cure for hatred...

Today has been exquisite. I woke up, nearly free from the soreness that i've had the past two days, i read some incredible stuff by max lucado (which i'll exhibit in a bit), and my found out that my scholarship money went through. Gosh, a MIGHTY fortress is our God!

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you may remember some quotes from Max Lucado that i got out of my bible study Experiencing the Heart of Jesus. Well i'm about to hook you people up with another one! Today's lesson was titled "The Heaviness of Hatred." It dealt with all things concerning bitterness, vengeance, and anger towards other people. I needed this lesson. Let's just say that i've had some bitterness bottled up inside of me lately. I needed something like this to shed light on the fact that i have been in the wrong for so many weeks.

Hatred is something that doesn't make sense in the life of a christian. If a person has truly experienced the love of Christ Jesus, they are called to live a life that exudes that same love. They know what true grace is and cannot help but share it with others. So why are we so bad at this? It's human nature. However, God calls us to be super-natural. Slowly but surely, this is happening in my life.

To quote Mr. Lucado,

"As we grow to relish and experience the love of Christ, one of the results is a growing love for other people. And irrational, inexplicable desire to love and forgive them replaces time-worn bitterness. The Bible says when we experience great forgiveness ourselves, we are able to love others all the more (Luke 7:47). However, if we have yet to realize the weight of our own indebtedness to God, we will be stingy with our love."

This is so true in my life. I am the most unforgiving when i become unaware of my own filth. There are times in my life when i feel "I'm doing okay. I haven't done anything crazy rash lately." This is the danger zone. When i forget how undeserving yet in need i am of Christ's love. I may always think to myself, "But God, SOMEONE has to pay for what that person did." All i need do is listen and God says to me, "Someone already has."

give it up

I love being humbled by God. It cleanses my spirit. I t brings me back down to earth. It ironically raises me up. It makes me feel wanted. It dissolves my distress. And it gives me reason to worship.

As you may know from reading my blog, I am quite the dreamer. Most of my day is spent day-dreaming about performing and creating things that bring joy to people's hearts. It usually takes me about an hour to fall asleep at night due to my constant thinking about all of the things that i love. Unfortunately, it often takes a toll on my work. My father is always making fun of the glazed expressions on my face when he finds me daydreaming when i should be working. He says that this is the case with most people my age.

I believe that constant daydreaming is a sign of constant wanting. For many years i ignored a few passions of mine and in doing so, i brought myself to a pretty harsh breakdown. To prevent that from happening again, i went out on a limb and embraced everything that was once shoved aside. In many ways, it felt great. But it also felt incorrect. It felt forced. Once again, i found myself in dangerous territory. I may love this thing or that thing, but in the end, if it wasn't meant to be, I would have to accept it.

I've come to realize that we are all allowed to dream. We are all aloud to admire from afar the things we wish we had. But we have also all been offered citizenship in the kingdom of God our father- something that should be sufficient no matter what. I'm guilty of forgetting that. I do indeed wish that i could move people to tears in a dance or a song. But if that never happens, I must bring God glory by never falling away from Him because of it.

It just feels good to know that I never had the opportunity to take that class or join that team because God has prepared something even better for me! And even more, the realization that it is NOT ALL ABOUT ME! It's is about God getting glory out of my finding joy in HIS mighty power. To quote the genius that is Imogen Heap, there definitely is "beauty in the breakdown."

all over the place :P

Life is so crazy right now. I'm not being dramatic. It really is. I have FOOTLOOSE nearly everyday, which is a good thing. We're desperately trying to sell our house and move out of Central. I just got back from New York City, more enchanted than ever. I'm sitting at home wondering where to go with my life.

This is all happening at once and it is incredibly overwhelming. But as always.....God is giving me an ounce of peace about it. And that will suffice for now.

There are so many choices in life that always seem so annoyingly imperative. Why can't someone just MAKE ME take this one path in life and decide where i absolutely need to be in the next ten years?! That would make things so much easier. Do i want to pursue my art, which is something that i'm already decent at and am already in the process of getting a degree in? Or do i pursue performing, which i something that i'm good at but need a lot more work? The latter is the one that i'm most passionate about, but it, of course, happens to be the most inaccessible of the two.

I suppose you can classify the majority of my strife as "Internal Struggle" or something related to any kind of decision making. Thankfully, when i get caught up in something totally ridiculous, God lassos my mind and pulls me back up to Him.

It may seem like i am complaining about my life and the craziness that it entails. However, i am writing this to express the loveliness that is life and the sovereignty of God's pursuing nature! I love the randomness of life and the risks that it sometimes requires.

It's getting close to the dates of the FOOTLOOSE performances. If any of you want tickets, which you should because it's going to be so freaking legit, you can go to www.manshiptheatre.org to purchase the tickets! :) I love you all and thanks for reading!

a little unsettled....

One thing that i've found myself really desperate for is someone equally interested in the art of dance as me. I want to grow as a dancer. The only way to do that is to have someone better than me to help guide me and teach me more technique. With the theatre, no one else really cares that much or has the caliber of skill. I'm just expected to take all of the solos. Okay, that sounded so incredibly vain it's not even funny. But if i don't talk bluntly, i'll just be giving you people word vomit. Of course i don't mean to build myself up, i just meant to express the extent of this scenario. I just have no studio space, no teacher, and no fellow dancers. Can you feel my frustration? Oh yea, and no money to afford anymore lessons. Ok. I'm shutting up. This all sounds like diva-ness and i don't think i'll be able to explain it any better. Thanks for reading.

bring the rain...

Ok guys. Lately things have been really crazy! And i don't totally mean with scheduling stuff. I mean spiritual emotional stuff. I'm just having to revamp so many areas of my life that i let slip into darkness in a matter of like a month. With the large amounts of rehearsal for footloose, i've pushed God aside and said, "We'll catch up later." Not good. I realize that this is a normal reaction to a busy schedule. But i want to be above the norm.

When i say that God is in control, i mean every bit of it. As many times as i proclaim God's sovereignty, i always find myself trying to MAKE MYSELF good. The bible says, "You began your life in Christ, now you are trying to make it right by your own power? That is foolishness." Hello! There it is . In black and white ink. I think that i am just a victimof that type of personality haha. I always want to be the one to fix anything that i cause to go wrong. But God uses other christian brothers and sisters to help you out and sometimes carry the entire load, just as Christ did/does every day. So i do believe that it's time to loosen the reigns.

My point in telling you all of that was to express how pursuing God really is. Every time i hit a dry spot, any time i find myself in dangerous waters, any time i find myself on the brink of doubt, He draws me back. HE does the work all over again. Because i am not strong enough to take that one big step again to revamp my relationship with Him, He draws me back to Him with His intoxicating spirit. THAT is when i am sure of my salvation, when i can hear Him drawing me back. It's when i feel back at home and the rest of the world seems so trivial from then on. To quote one of the songs overplayed on KLOVE, "He's not finished with me yet!"

If any of you know of the band BRANCH, their lead vocalist, Rachel Ruth, has just released her first solo album! It's quite fantastic! You should check it out!

Rachel Ruth

MONDAY NIGHT

just an update...

Hey guys. I just realized that i haven't posted anything in a while. Whoops. So i'm just going to give you all a very summarized version of what's been going on lately.

1. Rehearsals. Footloose is coming along very well. I thought that the practices were going to be a lot less productive considering the amount of work that we had, and still have, to do. It's wearing me out, but i love that feeling. I love the feeling of exhaustion because you put EVERYTHING into the rehearsal. I can't wait to perform it at the Shaw Center!

2. Jesus. I've recently had to take a couple of steps back. I jumped into my summer vacation with must haste and it has made me pretty weary lately. All of a sudden i'm in full swing with rehearsal, going on vacations, and helping to sell our house. Very seldom have i been reading God's word. It has definitely been apparent. I've been super stressed about stuff with the show and i'm becoming less and less patient everyday. That's why, i've had to draw myself back into reality and remind myself of the Savior for which i live. The only way that i am able to do this is because of God's pursuing nature.

3. New York City. I will be in New York City less than two weeks from now. I will be with three of the most influential people in my life. And i will finally be in the city that i feel has been calling my name from a very young age. This visit is long past due.

seafarer

Well we finally made it to the beach. This whole trip has been kinda chaotic from the planning stage until now. My step sister wasn't able to join us this year, like she has in the past, and then we were in danger of there being oil all up and down the beaches. I sit here and declare the awesomeness of our God. I get to spend quality time with my real sister, who owns a good chunk of my heart, and there is not a drop of oil on the beach. God would have received the credit no matter the outcome, but my human nature can't help but be a little excited that it turned out the way that it did :) I'm looking foward to a relaxing 7 days here at Fort Walton beach before my summer of chaos begins haha.