youtube=evil

So this is a random one. I've recently discovered the dangerous effects of zoning into youtube for excessive moments throughout the day. I'm quite the ellen fan. I just love interviews in general. I love watching people be asked about themselves and them answer back. It's very intriguing to me. Unfortunately, one interview always leads to another! I've also recently seen how much of an effect this has on my spiritual life. It sucks. Time to step up to the plate and spend my time in thought. Even if i'm not always reading directly from His word, He still commands us to be full of wisdom. Wisdom doesn't come from plugging your mind into the computer screen. It comes from thinking, reading, and realize what's around you. So there's my plan. BAM

Random awesome Adam Robinson quote:

" You must put on Christ. The next time satan shows his fangs at you he will see a reflection of the only one who could rip him apart and throw him into hell!"

.....chills much?!

dawn....

I'm home. After a long and distant journey down a path of hostility and certain destruction..... i'm home. In more ways then one i had my life handed to me in the form of earth. Boy, was it pleasing earth too! The smell was simply bewitching, no matter how many sniffs it took. It's feel was electrifying, no matter how many bruises it caused. And it's taste was so succulent that every bite left a feeling of want for more.

No matter the intensity of my want, it had to go. Every irrational thought told me so. The more i tore, the more i lashed, simply provided more scarlet ink to write my message. It made it's way down that celestial stream. There i stood, hoping for an answer; hoping that my message would return answered.

My answer came when my precious coveted earth began to dissolve. Where was it going?!?! I needed that earth!! The more that went away the more my anger simmered inside of me. The last bit dissolved. An incubus ended.

That bright light took me by surprise. I recoiled at the sight of it. I quivered. Was it death? Was it life? In the twinkling of an eye i realize it was the latter of those two. goodbye fear. goodbye earth. This dawn would suffice-forever.

give it up...

Some of you may know that lately i've been trying to decide what on earth i want for my future. It's been really rough. It's hard trying to figure out what your career is going to be and if every morning you're going to wake up and be excited about your job. I know that i may never get that full effect but i really want something very similar to that. I was just given some very blunt advice about a career choice that i was really excited about getting involved in. It seems that i'm just not at the right school for what i want. Yet, i feel like i belong here. So i guess i have to find something to suffice that makes me equally happy.

I sit here listening to Sarah McLachlan's Angel.

"You're in the arms of the angels, fly away from here.

From this dark, cold, hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel.

You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent revery.

You're in the arms of the angels, may you find some comforting."

Hello! I've been spending so many brain cells trying to buy any secure thought that i can find while all the while i have an entire book of them sitting right next to me. I've been praying over and over these past few weeks that God revive something in me that would take away some of the pain of worry. As hard and blunt as it was hearing the advice i was given, i was feeling some really weird contentment. I't felt sort of like " here ya go! " and i wept with both pain and relief. So imagine that, it might make you laugh. It makes ME laugh when i picture myself haha.

This is simply why i worship the God that i do! He has HIS timing and it is the only one supreme. What needs to be done with the time left over that isn't spent worrying about my future is building my relationship with Him. From there, He will provide. This may help people out there who are fighting the same thing.

thanks to Sarah McLachlan for that song and for my God for giving her the words to sing.

abraham....what a beast!

If any of you reading this have taken Mr. Randy Mitchell's bible class you may remember watching the movie Abraham. You may also remember how LONG it was! For some reason...I LOVED THAT MOVIE! Before finishing his class my senior year, i ran out to Barnes & Noble's and bought the dumb thing! So now i watch it every now and then just to remind me of not only the excellent times in Mr. Mitchell's class, but of the factual aspect of the story.

Last night i was sitting in my dorm room and all of a sudden had an urge to dive into my bible notes and such from last year! I was so pumped! So i whipped out my bible notebook (which is kept in a special drawer :P), my bible timeline, and of course....my ABRAHAM dvd.

I admit it, i got a little too focused on the dvd and neglected my notes a few times. Something about Richard Harris just makes me want to pay attention! All you harry potter fans might understand that one haha. The character of Abraham has always been one that i always envied as far as will power and strength are concerned. Every time he took a humongous step of faith, my heart just melted. I long for that kind of strength! Abraham was also a great man in regards to his love for his woman. He loved Sarai so much that he testified multiple times that God would strike him down before making him live without her!

There were so many points in the movie where the director portrayed each obstacle, may that be a person or place, as intimidating as possible. And as frail as ole Abraham was, all he ever saw was his God!

I mean how indescribably refreshing would it be to be in the midst of strife and discomfort, surrounded by gods for everything and anything-never being able to hear or communicate with any of them, and the one true God speaks to you in the midst of your confusion! Above the silence of all the other gods! I continue to be amazed by this man and by what God did through him! I'm continuing to learn the ways of great faith as his!

rising to the bottom.....

The following is from Men of the Bible by James Stuart Bell:

"In a culture where ambition is praised as a man's highest virtue, far too many Christian men adopt a "whatever it takes" attitude toward rising up the ranks.

Whether it's the CEO who cooks the books (just a little!) to make himself and his company look better to investors, the low-level business executive who bad-mouths his peers to make himself look better to his superiors, or the church member who creates problems in the congregation to further his own agenda, people take advantage of opportunities for self-promotion that abound in this world.

God takes a dim view of such strategies.

A man named Shebna held a good deal of power in the administration of King Hezekiah, but pride and vanity ruled his heart. He used his high position to promote himself by beginning to construct an extravagant tomb for his eventual burial.

In so doing, Shebna wrote his own ticked out of town.

Although he sought personal glory, Shebna discovered the quickest way to the bottom. The Lord put a stop to his plans, removed him from office, and exiled him far from Judah (see Isaiah 22:17-18). God had given Shebna everything he needed to become a great servant, but the foolish man squandered those good gifts by trying to rise to the top in his own selfish way.

No doubt you have some goals that you want to reach and the talents angd gifts you need to make them happen. God want to be at the center of all your plans. your part in the equation is to use all He has given you for His glory and the good of other."

So you might be wondering why i posted something like this. Basically it nails exactly what has been stressing my heart out this month/week. As you all know, i'm a theatre kid. Performing for and audience excites my heart and puts me in a state of sheer joy. As of right now i am a history major at SELU. Now, the big issue has been pondering what exactly i want to do with my life from here. I do love to study history, and the thought of teaching people about it does indeed excite my heart. But i find myself most often daydreaming of music, performing that music, and giving all the credit to God. But what would that cost? Am i ready to give up a more steady future like education for something that could fail with an injury? If it's what i love and continue to dream about it should be a no-brainer....right? Well here's where Shebna comes in! A more important question to ask myself is: am i idolizing the talent i've been given, building myself up, instead of focusing on God's plan and allowing Him to put my talents to the rhythms of His plans for me? Who knows what i'm supposed to be asking myself! I need prayer that i figure this out and that i grown to focus on what's in front of me and allow God to "take the wheel" , if i may quote ms. underwood :) I'm not going to give up working on anything. I'll just have to step down from pedestal right now and stop worrying.....

i will rest in YOU.....

"Lord, i'm in the dark,

seems to me the light is dead

when i come calling. No one there.

The sky is falling.

Lord i need to know! My mind

is playing games again. You're

right where you have always been.

TAKE ME BACK TO YOU!

The place that i once knew as a

little child. Constantly the eyes of

God watched over me.

LORD I WANT TO BE..

In the place that i once knew as a little

child, fall into the bed of faith prepared

for me.....

Tell me i'm a fool. Tell me that you

love me for the fool i am. And comfort me, like

only You can. Tell me there's a place,

where i can feel your breath like sweet

caresses on my face again...."

What a thing to sing praises to! How often do we forget about Christ's love in the sense of something like this. How he doesn't simply make us feel good, but in His sovereignty and His worthiness we find rest and He appears as an actual father to us!

Lyrics to "I Will Rest in You" by Jaci Velasquez"

Check out the video :)

oh buggah......

So i am terribly sorry if you are disappointed in me after reading the following. I find myself in dire need to smear all that is on my heart on this canvas of a blog.

If i have the ultimate master of the universe driving my ship, why do i find it so hard to simply row with the other shipmates even while the driver hands me more than i need to do it? On top of that, the driver insists that i stop trying to help him control the boat. I still want to. I feel obligated. So i slump to the back of the boat and try to decipher the directions to steadying a ship so massive as this one. Only, i already know it all. So i sit there confused....very confused. Is there something i've been doing wrong all this time? Why do i have this passion to take hold myself? Why do i not pay attention to the directions that i already know?????

Now, if you are anywhere close to having the amount of confusion and odd mental pictures flying around in your head as i do now, perhaps i can explain it in rhetoric or something of the same nature.

How hard is it to give up YOU? To anything. Perhaps you find it easy to give up yourself to your spouse or someone very dear to you. In this case i mean giving up YOU to God? I just recently was reminded of many truths of christianity. Truths that are more than often hidden underneath the veil of perhaps sunday school or your standard church sermon. How many years of preaching have lacked not only gumption for the truth in the church, but the audacity to sing it to the heavens and to one another?! The truth of christianity is that it is NOT about us! The basis of my relationship with God has been ME wrapping HIS commandments around MYSELF. If you didn't notice, the ratio of myself to God in that sentence was 2:1. My heart should be hardwired to want to praise God even if while i'm doing it, i'm being thrown into hell.

I tell you today that i am not at that point. It's terrifying. It's satan. And it's sinful. That's me. Is there hope? Yes, there is. Am i capable? Yes, i am.

There you have it. I tell you, reader of this blog, that i am working on this. Hopefully in time it will be at His pace and not mine.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28