"If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz

"Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me "

This is one of my favorite songs. I think the basis of its appeal is mostly the reality of its content. Jason Mraz is a stinkin beast anyway. You should check it out.

flip book project!

Finally finished my flip book for ART 151- 2D Design. I used Adobe Illustrator. It was really hard so don't make fun! Oh, and i totally SUCK at actually "performing" the flip books! I think my thumbs are just ghetto or something haha

.....stress: relieved!

oooookay. So basically this past week was full of questions in my head. If you are anything like myself, you get in this slump and don't really feel motivated to seek answers for these questions. You write it off as something that you aren't "supposed to know." There are many questions that i feel definitely fall within this category. However, towards the end of the week i experienced a little something called gumption! i told myself, "Dillon, get over yourself and go to God with these questions!"

What a better place to look than one's own friends?! My bible study group couldn't have come at a more perfect time! My bible study leader just recently made a very huge decision in his life. Very huge! One that usually takes about two years to decide. He's made it in about three months. When he shared it with me and the rest of the fellahs, i began to worry. Being the child of Mona Chustz, i look at everything in terms of the consequences and i always want to make sure that the step i take is a step for the better. Nothing is insanely wrong about that. Except if you're a christian haha.

I consulted with my best friend, Mr. Smith, about the decisions and questions in my like presently. He realized how apprehensive i was to taking even the first step. He knows how i work. He knew that he would have to decompress so many layers of fear and doubt. And of course, being the genius that he is, he just plainly told me, "Dillon, if this is ordained by God to happen, then NOTHING that you do is going to mess it up!" AHH! I'm always so quick to point out if something is or is not supposed to happen; whether something is meant to be. Yet, this somehow must have slipped my mind! DUH! Of course if it's "supposed to happen" then there is no way that i can mess it up! If the creator of the universe has something in store for me, it WILL happen. My clumsiness, my accident-prone nature, my chronic case of diarrhea of the mouth, nothing can keep that from happening! Stress: Relieved!

"You care for the land and water it;

you enrich it abundantly.
The streams of God are filled with water
to provide the people with grain,
for so you have ordained it." -Psalm 65:9

"your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139:16

Also, as Mr. Max Lucado helped me to realize, while i am going through such a confusing and frustrating time in my life, i CANNOT allow it to hinder my witnessing of grace! I can't allow these issues to take my focus away from the issues that other people are facing and how urgent it is that i go to them and be a servant!

There is no exaggeration in expressing how grateful i am to have a God and Savior who knows the plans for my life. Someone who keeps me on track even though i keep falling off of it!

I suggest two songs this week" "Your Hands" by JJ Heller and "Healing in Your Hands" by Christy Nockels :)

Below are pictures that have recently made me happy :)

undressed........

Confusion sucks. Really, it does. It may perhaps be one of the most dangerous emotions that man is capable of experiencing. It scrambles. It frustrates. It annoys. It destroys. Of this particular emotion, i am an expert.

There are two different ways to deal with confusion: Give in and give up, or Give in and push on blindly.

These can almost be considered equally bad. Giving up is obviously a foolish move. However, the thought of going into anything blindly also causes uneasiness. Sadly, the former is one of my good friends. When i'm confused i often mentally give up. I find a loophole to the problem. One thing that i've learned about God is that confusion is one of His greatest enemies. For the most part, confusion has been about big decisions, picking the right college, scheduling classes, and simply deciding which way to turn next. Confusion often hangs on you like really heavy clothing. You try to get your mind off of it and accept the fact that it doesn't fit. Yet, the folds still drag the ground, it makes you sweat, and you end up having to hold it up and carry it in order to get through the day without tripping and completely falling on your face.

What about those of us who have confusion about little aspects of God? Or even the large aspects? Let's face it. God is pretty huge. In fact, He is THE biggest thing in all of creation. And you are confused?! SACRILEGE!
It is easy to become confused when building a relationship with God. Satan uses confusion as a tool to block us from the true understanding of the love of our Father in heaven. Satan knows that the more we do not understand it, the more we will turn to things that we DO understand-the world. Not good.

I have never before considered being undressed to be a part of growing in my relationship with God. My first instinct when pursuing holiness is to put on more; to put on more and more armor so that i won't be defeated by the world. Overtime, what we may think is armor may actually be false notions that only feed our confusion.

In C.S. Lewis' Narnian Chronicle, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, young and curious Eustace wanders into a cave filled with treasures of all kinds. One treasure in particular is a bracelet that he puts on and is instantly turned into a dragon. Filled with pain, Eustace doesn't know what to do. What he thought the bracelet would bring him has only turned out to be pain, pain, and more pain. Aslan, the God figure in the Narnian Chronicles, comes to Eustace. After Eustace's numerous attempts to fix the issue himself, Aslan tells him, "You will have to let me UNDRESS you," and it says that "He tears the dragon-skin off Eustace like it's a huge scab." This makes so much sense!
Basically:
We keep trying to talk ourselves into spiritual comfort, picking our wounds of confusion, until we are covered with scabs. God calls to us. He undresses us of all of these scabs. He cleanses us. His word commands us to be transformed by the REnewing of our minds. Flush out the old notions of how you can become a better whatever. God's word tells us all that we need to be. Always look to that, and you will never be confused about such matters again. How wonderful that just the breath of our God can wash away the sap that so often keeps us stuck in one place. Pushing through blindly way be a scary thought, but it is the true test of our faith.

"Come close to God, and God will come close to you." James 4:8

christus nos liberavit

Not really sure what the above phrase means.....it's the title of a chapter of Les Misérables from which i am about to quote.

The following quote really struck me. It applies to present times as well as the nineteenth century which this novel was based....

"What is this story of Fantine about? It is about society buying a slave.
From whom? From misery.
From hunger, from cold, from loneliness, from desertion, from privation. Melancholy barter. A soul for a piece of bread. Misery makes the offer; society accepts.
The holy law of Jesus Christ governs our civilization but it does no yet permeate it. They say that slavery has disappeared from European civilization. That is incorrect. It still exists, but now it weighs only on women and it is called prostitution.
It weighs on women, that is to say, on grace, fraility, beauty, motherhood. This is not the least among man's shames." -Victor Hugo


This past January i attended the Passion 2010 conference in Atlanta, Georgia. There were many foreign ministry opportunities for everyone to get involved with. One in particular was that of human trafficking and prostitution across the globe. Here are a few facts i learned from their representatives.

-Most "sexual markeplaces" in the middle east contain about 200,000 sex slaves. That's more than the population of Salt Lake City.
-Last year the slave trade made $32 billion. That is more than Nike, Google, and Starbucks combined.
-There are currently more slaves in the world than at any point in human history.
-A girl in Indian Brothels will undergo 12-14 abortions in two years.

Time to wake up to the presence of injustice, especially for women around the world. It is time that we accept our responsibility as to seek out the orphans and widows of the world, especially those in slavery, and give them a second chance at freedom. Check out the Passion2010 website for more information on all of the DoSomethingNow campaigns!

.....nook and cranny glory

FINALLY THE WEEK IS OVER!!!! After a week of hardcore studying, catching up on artwork, and overall spiritual stress, the past week has finally moved on. I literally feel as if an elephant has finally gotten up off of my chest and allowed me to breathe.

Next week should be MUCH more relaxing. I don't have any tests and only a few things due for art, which i will most likely finish this weekend. I plan to catch up on some major tennis playing with Scottie. It has been far too long since i picked up my racquet. I believe the last time was right before the christmas break! I really want to get some stress painting done as well. Sometimes those turn out the best :)

Due to the past chaotic week, i have, yes...you guess it, once again realized my filth as a human. I just find it so hard to comprehend the mercy of God. I find it so hard to believe that He wiped away past, present, and future sin. It is INCREDIBLE. I am covered by His blood! And that blood has washed away all iniquities that were inside of my black, well-stocked, sinful cupboard that is my heart. It is the reason i wake up everyday. It is the reason i can look at my enemies and smile knowing that Christ is in them as well. I just have to continue to remind myself of this everyday.

Today, being the beautiful day that it is, i found myself buying bedding plants for my mother and me to plant in the garden. Believe me, it needed major revamping! When i got home i just sat there looking at the new african daisies that i bought. They were called "serenity" daisies. I sat there......bewildered at the complexity of each flower. Every nook and cranny of that plant revealed God's glory! Who else could create something so complex and beautiful?! To those who preach the "big band theory"......i say look again!

Meeting new people is GREAT by the way! Thanks for chatting with me all day everyday this past week miss Bailey Jean! :) Can't wait until saturday!

New pictures of Vegas :)

.....NYC LORD WILLIN'

Ok.....If you've been following my blog since the beginning....you are probably not surprised when i say that I'M FINALLY GOING TO NEW YORK!!!!! We've been "planning" on going for so long that it almost felt as if it wasn't going to happen. Well last night we had a meeting and it was VERY productive. So far we have the flights and the shows booked. These are the following things that we have booked and planned so far:

Thursday July 1st-Arrive around 11am (because we leave at 6 AM!) Go to the empire state building that night

Friday July 2nd- Check out a museum or two during the day....Experience the magic of a New York City hot dog......and the Addams Family the Musical on Broadway with Bebe Neuworth and NATHAN LANE! it's gonna be epic

Saturday July 3rd- Another couple of museums (hopefully the Met) and then that night THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ON BROADWAY!!!! yea imma pee maself.

Sunday July 4th-whatever during the day.....at night fireworks over the bay near the statue of liberty :) if we feel up to it and feel like spending the extra money we may go see another show...

Monday July 5th-leave that afternoon :(

So as you can see it's gonna be a pretty spectacular trip LORD WILLING. As God's children we are not to plan ahead. We are to focus on the present. The time that HE has given us NOW. But i'm not going to say that i'm not excited :P I'm having to just stop thinking about it.

Oh yea, one minor detail why i'm so excited..... KRISTIN CHENOWETH is going to be on Broadway while we're there! holy cow.......i'm campin out by the stage door with a ring. We gonna get hitched! :P

I'm really curious to see how God uses this trip as fellowship between me and my three best friends in the entire world......GARRETT, GARRETT, AND JOHN. We've needed such a revamping since school started and such and i think that this will definitely help.

God, if this trip is supposed to happen, let it be. But if not, give us the wisdom to discern what is best and the peace that surpasses all understanding so that we may be ok with it. Thank you for your Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ, for through Him all things hold together. Amen