can't take it in......

This will be quite the random and spastic entry. Today i feel so random. Just kind of a "do whatever" type of mood. i have some studying so i'll most likely bust that out as soon as possible. I plan on reading some more of The Horse and His Boy later. Oh how sweet it is that God has blessed me with fridays off. It' truly is glorious. There's an opera i plan to see tonight. I'm uber excited. I'm at this point today, which i think shall only be a one-time thing, where i've just recovered from something weird and now God is bringing me back to the place where He is the light of my life. The only way that i might be able to express this to you is by perhaps showing you some lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Imogen Heap....

"Can't close my eyes
They're wide awake
Every hair on my body
has got a thing for this place
Oh empty my heart
I've got to make room for this feeling
so much bigger than me."

Those lyrics create a tangible place in my head where i am with God and where He and i walk together. My filthy human body doesn't know how to react to it......HIS goodness makes my badness tremble. It's so cool to think of.

Anyway, now to make some coffee and read a bit. And yes, i will most likely remain in my sweat pants the rest of the day :) dont' judge me

light in the darkness.....

If you are paying attention to my time in between postings, you will realize how quickly God can work. That's one thing about my God that i love. As you have noticed, i've been feeling really suppressed lately. I've been in this deep pit that felt so inescapable. I felt lonely. But i preferred it. I felt pressured. I hid from it. I hated the world for being so happy when i was so NOT! Everything felt so distant and impossible. I felt so caged into my surroundings and my education. Weird, i know! I LOVE my university. And i LOVE my abilities and my knowledge. But i still felt so measured. So sized up. So DECIDED. Every night i prayed and prayed "God give me the peace that surpasses all understanding!" Having a mom who has worked with mental health most of her/my life, and her currently working in a mental hospital, i now realize what she meant when she said that depression was a sickness; one that you had to get over. My previous thoughts on the subject were that people just need to get over themselves. Well that's what i get for judging others. It hurts. A lot. And no matter what people say, no matter how many times you and other people shove more scripture down your throat, God will reveal Himself to you in His timing. I found that tonight. I'VE GOT A LIFE TO START LIVING! Sure, i still feel like i'm living in a hell hole compared to the narnian paradise that i dream of, but i've got to deal with what i've got. And that is still God's green earth, a country filled with opportunities, and a FATHER who snaps his fingers and gets my attention. As much as i think that i'm pursuing HIM, He pursues me one million times more! Now for some much needed rest, on the bed of faith that HE has prepared for me!

......still

Well....today was another day. Not really sure how this is going to play out. But it's still present nonetheless, this emotionally suppressed state. Today was better....i guess you could say. I had my art classes and my english class (which is taught by a woman who, in my opinion, is the only reason that college english professors still have a good name) and then came home to my dorm room. From there i turned on my soft listening playlist comprised of a combination of Narnia and Pride and Prejudice. I put on a pot of coffee and snuggled up to read one of my favorite Narnian Chronicles, The Horse and His Boy. I must say, it helped. Thank the good Lord on High i didn't have anything important due tomorrow. I picked up dinner to go and came back to the dorm to eat and watch bits and pieces another one of my favorites, Million Dollar Baby. I showered then read some more of narnia. And now here i sit. I can't say that today made it all better. Because i still feel empty. But it's only God's grace and mercy that i was emotionally able to act civil around my classmates. Ironically, the most cheery part of my day was chatting and laughing with a few strangers in my art classes. Maybe adaptation is what my heart has been longing for lately. Not assimilation......that would be a no no.....adaptation. Adaptation to the craziness of life, to it's unexpectedness, to it's scary gyrating paths, to it's possibilities, to it's loveliness all in one. It's overwhelming. I'm trying to get my face out of the sand so i can breathe. Meanwhile, it feels as if the tide is coming in so i'd better hurry.....

thanks friends for your prayers and concerns. God is the light, and in Him there is no darkness.
Time to spend some time in the Word. goodnight

caution: the following may be annoying...



I'm so depressed. it's been hurting awfully bad lately. i guess you couldn't really call it depressed, just suppressed. i feel the weight of the world's pressure yet i also feel the liveliness of the world's vivacity. i know.....come on, dillon, give us something tangible to work with here......but that's the problem. there are so many suppressed and agitated emotions going on inside of me presently and i'm not really sure now to deal with it. the days are long. but pretty successful. i just find nothing pleasing going on in my day it's SO odd. i think one factor of it is that i miss having all of my friends around me. i think i'm finally REALLY feeling the jist of this whole splitting apart our group of friends thing. i want to spend time with one of my good friends who is practically my little brother, i want to see a new, but familiar, face every day, and i miss my Clairee. don't get me wrong, i love college! i couldn't have chosen a better university for this point of my life. and i love living by myself. but there is a huge piece of me that longs for the life i had not too long ago. maybe this venting thing will work. i'm still hangin on to Jesus. He is literally the only rock that i have right now and will ever have. thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy.